Quite Hard...to start typing in here..I quit like months back , and the reason was You , and I ever wondered how come you never talked about it again ! you never even mentioned it ! you never thought of askin really ?!..maybe coz you were the reason I quit , you again the reason I am back,canot tell really if I am back..I am writing this , and not so sure if the backspace will find its place here or even the delete button.and at most i would save it and thats it..i really donno..but here used to feel like home too for me, some outlet ..though i already went to my paper and i exploded there once , yet i dont mind coming here too and write it over..dont know why i am over here now ! maybe deep inside I want to reach you and I hope that you still check on this !! maybe i know you someday will be readin this so my feelings n thoughts will be heard out someday ! even if not by you , it will by someother one ! i donno ! but i know that i am here coz i need someone to listen...yes, as I said , I already wrote it down in some external paper, am not repetain myself here either ! amnot copyin wat i wrote there ! at all..i just mean the explosion hs already occured somewhere else..so the need of writing hs already been satisfied, so bein here means still I am lacking listening..sb listens to me , and yes I wish it was You.
Yes, I asked for a break , first time to do so I guess, even if we sometimes make fun of the idea, and hv jokes related, but this time I wanted a break, btw I really wanted to hear you sayin No, why so ? darling I luv you ..whats wrong ! calm down, we just need to talk...actually this is wat i wanted to hear from you , thats what my receivers were tuned to , but The sender actually only sent "bera7tek "...as you wish ...the worst choice ever...Ever..and I do mean it..Ever.
I told you before, so many times..over and over..that you won and still do to my heart by being kind to it..by being nice to me..especially when we fight, I am not asking for much ! especially i asked you to avoid using the word " bera7tek "..i did just few days back , i do everytime ask you not to be that cool and leave me with days not mentioning a word about it,,yes you call and we talk for minutes,askin bout the weather for me ! and yu hang up ! whats the use of that fonecall ! i see no use ! coz you know how it goes with me...the bad temper i am in , you hv no clue how crazy and mad yu drive me , yu hv no clue hw far i go with the bad ideas,how black i see then ,how ugly everything looks to me !! how bad i really feel ! physically , mentally and all..i really feel like like losin breath and high blood pressure..feel pain...you know i might be hysterical in this ! but what i can do if this is me and this how it reacts !! i tried to work on it ..i tried to cool myself down, i give you the space,,but still you never show up and talk in it..even today you didnt talk in it !
you appear but dont talk !! you talk in nonesense for me !..though you should talk and talk ! i even mentioned that before..also like 5 days back, in our last fight..i asked you to talk, unless you really enjoy seein me in this state !! and if you do enjoy it ..then you not the one I luved.
how come you leave me like this and you know how hard it is for me ! you know how bad i feel ? you know how bad i feel ! you know it all, still you tak all your time , which appears for me has no ending ! it takes you 3 times without sayin anything, and it ends up me openin up the subject again ! sorry am always brining the"nakad"...am sorry i do...i am sorry that you find me so, am sorry that you dont know me through , am sorry that you do make it harsh on me..I feel like you will see me fainting / dyin at once..anything that would happen in one of those i fights that i feel they get into me strongly...it will affect me in away..i feel so , and tried to deliver the msg , and i thought you got it,,but seems you still not looking to react upon, you want to take your time..which i hv no clue when it ends ! i wait for you each time for you to come over and talk about it ! and guess what ! you never do ! you never Do !! it is me who everytime goes in opening the subject and talk about it...yea i remember you gave me the chance once, and then you stopped !!....
I didnt ask for much when I asked you how to deal with me when I am down or in a fight , you said you cant be always understaning but the thing is I never see you so ! not anymore !! as if you intend to show me that face ! as if you enjoy seein me in that state again..
I know you donot,,but still you dont do anything !! i am goin insane..i am not sleepin ,,i feel real pain...
thats why i asked for the break, i needed you to say teh things i said above , but as you were and still are, you said bera7tek..which was more shocking for me...you might hv said ommal eih hamsek feeky !! yes temsek feeya ! why not !! did not i do it before !! whenevr you r angry with me i do so,, i even try to bypass the bad things you soemtimes say / do !! I try to be understanding as much as i can ! but you never show me that face !
i never take 3 days to start a talk ...but you take more ! i dont know even how far it could take you coz its me everytime initain the talk..
i told you before i might stop at sometime and stop being there when you feel like it ! i may do an uxpected stuff...coz i do feel i do stuff just for you , i go off my way for you, i do things i am not convinced with just coz of you ,to please you..and you just cant do it for me !! am i askin for much !! specially i told you zillionz of times how i do need it....
you not listening !! are you !!
am sorry though for the break ,am thinkin since to call you , but i know i can not....ana ta3bana..i am...we te3ebt awy of the way you deal with me each fight..
i donno how long or how far it will take me ..i really donno , at a minute i think i ll call you now and in another i feel i ll give it soemtime,a week and maybe two, though i doubt i can stand it withut you..you hv no clue how much i do luv you , and as much as i do as hurt i feel now, that this is how you deal with me and this is how you take it..i told you too, dont take me for granted..i asked you more than once not to take me for granted..i luved you and still do, and luved how nice and kind you always were to me and for me, you used to pay wat it pays to bring happiness to me, you wouldnt stand seein my cryin..you couldnt let me feel sad ! and now you cause it to me every once inawhile , you do it alott and dont care bout me..you know how it does hurt when i see you bein super cool and me sad and depressed ! It hurts...though the key is already proposed..just a few nice words and maybe less could make me feel just the opposite....
ana te3ebt..bgd te3bt
i ll go now, might call you..might go on the break..might do nothing..i wish you call
i wish you fix it..i wish i find the one i used to luv..and i still luv
i wish i find you.
That Story happened like 2 weeks back, and Yes , I called him just after , couldnot wait long , couldnot go for the break....I did the thing and called him , we then talked it out and guess we solved it down :) The reason am posting it today and choosing it to be me return post , is : this is one post I really wanted you to see maybe..I wanted you to know how it feels with me..I am posting it for the records, that maybe when we in bad terms you check it out and Know then how bad i feel then...hope itsnot causing bad memories, as we already passed it..alright :)
Love you babe