Sunday, October 27, 2013

Mark your calendar 27 october 2014 sunday 11am -12am

Yeah mark yours and mark mine :) I have just done it :)  I have been to aerobics class ! Ordinary enough for you ! Me ! 3yrs back oh yeah ! But today it is like a miracle! That is my first class in three years can you imagine ! In three years I have not been to a classroom where I can wear in my sports gear which I always like and feel look good in ! And have my adrenaline going up and high ! That is awesome ! Awesome that I forgot how it feels ! Awesome that I am not still familliar with the feeling! Still feeling me three and four yrs back and maybe more! It is awesome that I am afraid that I lose it once again ! Afraid that I am not able to have it going along my whole life style and routine! I so wanted that man ! I so wanted that ! The music beat ! The dance! The working out! The squats and the crunches ! Shaking and moving! The burning out! The feeling of my butt and tummy getting smaller! That feeling of being real wet! That you try hard to catch up your breath! Those nice ppl looking at you and spreadin smiles everywhere! That energy and that good ambiance! I so much loved it! This is whe my soul belongs! Not litterlaly! Coz I hope it goes to heaven after all ! But I believe ppl are made for certain things to be in love with certain people and have their karma within certain places , and musical events , working out , and spiritual places as well as sacred mosques and places , thats all where I find my karma and feel really high! This is where I lay off my troubles and pains, this is where I feel good about myself:) this is beyond magic for me ! If my perfect cup of coffee does alot then what I just been to is beyond my coffee !
I am in one of those moods that I am calm , pray that good  keeps this up , let me go on a daily basis I wish to do my workouts! And I pray that god saves me and my family from any trouble ! As  as much I am content as much as I am afraid that goes away! Ya rab! Hopefuuly it remains ! Ya rab . Save it for me. Ya rab. Y rab. Ya rab. Help me do it and help me continue in doing it.
Give me strenght and give others ability to bear with it as I will need support, please.
That was my little prayer as I am deeply thankful for making it today. Deeply thankful that I am here ! Deeply thankful and grateful.  الحمدلله
الحمدلله  الحمدلله. الحمدلله 

Sunday, October 6, 2013

What went wrong !

I ask myself over and over again ! What could have gone wrong! What is that big thing we are really fighting on or even for ! What is that reason we are drifting apart!
Why you are not accepting me as much as you're blaming me of not accepting you!
The who you are,one you were and one you become to, I should respect all forms of you and I should accept them all. Without argument. And when it comes to me, I shouldnt be in fact disccussing anything related to me as long as it pisses you off! Shouldnot be talking myself out! I Should be accepting am blocked! Least priority in your life and your worst friend! I should be all that and I still be accepting how you see me and dealing with it normally. Alright. I accept. I did and tried to deal with it! Yet it didn't drive us anywhere but worse! coz you couldnt accept me in return! You couldnt accept my fears! My demands! My needs! You couldnt get how insane this is driving me! how stressed out I am ! I ran a test we had over stress thing and my result was scary in fact! that the facilitator seriously advised me that I should solve it out not only deal with it! you kknow it is getting to me physically now ! with this allregy that coming out of stress! know you not really following and not will really do ! coz you not used to ! and I should accept it this way ! I should hang on to ALL responsibilities without complaint! I should deal with it! I am not a superwoman! I am not not ! I am weak ! very weak indeed! that I can break down in any second! not a drama queen. Just fyi. Stating a fact. And above all you couldn't get how much I love you and how much I need you ! And how much I really want us to be as close and good as we always dreamed for! Sharing life! life partners ! holding responsibilities together! caring for each AS MuCH! giving both room and space as having special and priavte time together! You always got my discussions wrong! Interpreted my fears and questions wrongly! And again drifted me away!made us quite apart! That it became so hard to find an intermediate point to meet at ! Though I still recall and still think we have so much in common ! We surely have differences! Yet we could deal with it! I love you and have always wanted to grow old with you! I love you. And I still wish you love me too. As I sometimes question if you still do.