Thursday, March 14, 2013

Flirting in public

How confusing was always that to me ! Between how good it must feels! And how close it makes look like ! And how bad in others standards! If not rejected! Not to mention 7aram!
But what if it is between married couples! Would it have been alright then ? Dont think ! It would have still remain rejected!
What if it feels good being wanted and said out loud in public ! With nothing that would يخدش الحياء العام " ya3ny whats wrong with a quick kiss on a cheak or even holding hands ! Or being circled with love birds ! Though we always mock lovebirders! Guess it is 3eryan elteet ,sorry,but I am sure that any who would have a chance to be loved in public with those love looks and holding hands!will never reject sucha call!who does idiot! But we only good at laughing at those who seem in love coz apparently we are unable to give love like them!

Now ,two foreigners were sitting next to me,and both were busy with their laptops yet they were holding hands all the time,from time to time look at each in the eye, have some cuddling and smiles that say I love you
I am sorry I noticed that ! But they were too close to be seen and I am sensetive to that so my receptors work highly with max power when it gets close! But I really liked them ,they were so natural not faking anything not even in the looks ! Cntrary to egyptians I am sorry when they make it in public! It is always cheesy and you feel like you want to throw them with closes flipflop لا مواخذه شبشب have no idaea why ! Where the descrimnation came from ! Cant even tell!
But two weeks bacj
K i was sitting in. A aplace where 2 egy adults this time were obviously having a break out for coffee or sometimg as both were dressed in formal attires with even business suitcae,and aft they finished their business ,they then started holding hands and looking at each in the eye ! How awkward it felt for me then ! Coz they seemed old to do so ! But few moments later I was in love with them ! Dont know why ! They did nothing more than the holding han and feeling of love birds but they really looked lovely in those business attires and in love !
Why do we fail to make love the way others do ! Why we hate them at somepoint and love them madly at another!
Why we sometimes accept it from some and sometimes just hate it and hate tehe idea of being loved!
Why we find some cheesy and some classy! Some to be accepted from and others to just blame it along! How double standards work in that perfectly!
If you come to me, i know it would bot comfy having anything antimate in public but holding hands never failed me! I wish i can walk ,work do anything while holding hands ! Really ! And wouldnot mind seeing love gests too in public ! Yes in public,coz if you can do it in public then it says a lot to me .
How aboutyou ? How you see it yourself ?


We always complain and talk about problems and we barely talk about our blessings!goes perfectly well when a single woman says it out loudly that married or committed always complain or talk when they have complaints but they never open their mouths if they are okay or maybe Happy !
Why is that ! I find it curious to know ! Why we only talk if we have complaints ! Is it about envy eye ! That we are always afraid of ! Is it our nature that we only wAnt to show the sad face and we are scared to death to show the good one! We genuinely say coz there is no good face! But in fact there is !there are too many good faces indeed! God loves us!I always look to my kid and imagine how much I love him and think how then God loves us who created us from nothing! If this is my l ove to my kid definitely with no comparison god loves us more and in his way!which is shown all the way all the time but we just sometimes fail to comprehend! Although it is crystal clear!

I am kind of biased by life of pi ,which I have seen it today and as usual good movies leave the impression on me! I leave the movie theatre with the movie in and all about me!and that one is brilliant! So as Pi mentioned God is always there watching you , protecting you in his way ,even if u sometimes fail to see him , it is your fault !

I am blessed elhamduellah ! I am with too many blessings to count !
You know I am having my coffee now which is good and always feels blessed to have a good coffee:)
We need to feel it ! In side out ! You are blessed!
و ان تعدوا نعم الله لا تحصوها " صدق الله العظيم

Sunday, March 10, 2013

نقطة نظام

محتاجه نقطة نظام ! وقفة مع النفس !
علي كل المستويات ! اجتماعيا و نفسيا و ماديا و صحيا !
مين قال العيشه البوهيمي بتريح ! خالص علي فكره ! دي بتقلق و بتتعب اكتر منها بتريح !
نقطة بظام. مطلوبه علي وجه السرعه و مطلوب تكون مش نقطه واحده !مطلوب تكون عدة نقاط ! لا انا عمري هالتزم بيهم و لا حتي هامشي عليهم! بس خانبسط جدا و انا بقولهم و بخططلهم!
الانرجي كلها بتطلع و انت بتكتبهم و بعد كده يحللها حلال! مش مشكله! نبقي نقولهم تاني:)
مبسوطه اني رجعت اقرا تاني! كان فايتني كتير قوي! الدخول لعالمي السحري يبدا بكتاب و قلم ! منه للالله الفيسبوك و التويتر! اللي خلانا بس مستقبلين و مسطحين ! جدا!
نقطتي عايزه يبقي يها حسابات متخرش المايه! و كمان اهتمامات جديده! و روحانيات و اجتهدات في هذا الاتجاه!
دي لسه فيها كلام كتير بس انا لازم انزل انقل العربيه من "النقطة"اللي هيا فيها دلوقتي :) و للحديث بقية

Young Woman

I have spent most of my life time thinking it is best to be young ,young as in teens and early twinties ! I never thought I would struggle when I reach out my thirties ! I am 33 btw you may have noticed from earlier post,anyways , it never crossed my mind that 30's would be that harsh or tough to me ! Not in numbers nor in spirit ! But definitely in shape and health . I ever thought it is just a number ! Doesn't represent anything but a number !
But when I made it to 30+ I realized I wished I would have remained in 20's for good ! The spirit and everything is amazing and breath taking when it comes to 20's ,while it is devastating and heart breaking when it comes to 30's !that is what they have taught us to ! And made it well and crystal clear , as if they wanted us to give up on life as soon as we get there!
But ,voila,I have grown up to a young woman, I am not struggling anymore, I enjoy this stage and I learned well how to enjoy it well! Even now I am not looking back at 20's as a part of heavens,nope, it is mentioned that women in heavens will be in age of 33,my age NOW!
We waste our lifetime looking for something we don't have! And spend what's left regretting what we should have /not done ! Insane! What we do to ourselves is completely insane!
We need to stop and look at what we have achieved so far and enjoy it ,feel good about it and look forward to something better with ACCeptance! Key word is accept and be grateful and thankful!
Know what,only now I realize how 33 is awesome! Being a Young Woman is awesome! You realize the compliments and approaches people do to approach you ! You realize you not that little kid anymore nor that immature creature ! I am a woman and it is lovely to be so!
Thanks to the int'l women's day :) Thank you every one outhere for making us Women strong!
And as I have started my talking with , and as it once was said" I have grown up to a young woman :)"
Enjoy it you Women outhere :) stay strong

اصحاب عرر

ايوه عرر ! بالظبط كده ! متستغربش ! او ميغركش !
مش عشان ابن وزير و بتشتغل في بنك و بتقبض كتير ! مش معناها انك ابن ناس و  كلاس !
خالص علي فكره ! انا من كتر ما شوفت و لفيت مش مصدقه الاصناف اللي في السوق !
خد عندك دي واحد ابن ناس و اسمه هاي كلاس تخرج معاه ميطلبش غير قهوه و يشرب من مايتك و يقاسمك في اكلتك! طب متطلب! لا! اصل ملسش نفس ! امال مبرشط ليه علي مال و اكل الناس! و تيجي ساعة التشيك ! يعمل بليد حساب و قال كل اللي خده ب ٥ جنيه بالتيبس ! هوه في كه ! ده الحاجه الساقعه ب ١٣ جنيه و احسب التاكسس و السيرفيس و لو اتكرمت و سيبت تيبس ! يبقي هتقفل ٢٠ جنيه بالمستريح!
اول مره تعديها و تكمل من جيبك و تاني مره تعديها ! و تيجي عند التالته و تقوله ستوب ! راجع الحساب ! يعمل عبيط و اهبل و من طنطا ! و لما تواجهه يقوللك معلش كملي اصلي مسحبتش فلوس ! اصل اي نيله و هباب !
عارف المشكله مش انه كده ! المشكله انه فاكر نفسه ابن ناس بجد! و تناكه علي خلق الله ! و يطلع عين الجرسون و هاتك رايح جاي و طلبات ! و لا عمره سابله بقشيش! مش مصدق في كده! ابسولتلي ! ده في انقح من كده ! هوه نفس ذات الشخص يبقي يومك اسود لو طلب اكل! لازم تعمل حسابك انك اكيد متعور في اد كده عشان هوه ابن ناس و فاكر ان كل الناس ولاد كلب! يحسب حسبه عجيبه و يحط ناقص ٥٠ جنيه و في الاخر يقوللك انا ليا باقي ! لفظ ! و لكن يعجز لسانك السليط عا ايذاءه و تتفضل و تدفعله باقي حسابه ! و هوه كمان فاكر انه ليه باقي !
قالك الكلام ده بيحصل اهو بقالو سنين يمكن عشره او زياده حبتين ! قالك ايه اللي رماك ع المر ! قلت اللي امر منه ! انه اصلا مفيش صحاب ! هما دول اسمهم صحاب ؟ احيه! دول عرر!
مع ًالعلم بقي ان النموذج ده اغني مني بمراحلللل! و فلوسه في البنك اد كده و احسن مني ماديا اكيد! و مع ذلك " نتن"  .

النموذج التاني اللي يخرج معاه و ميطلبش حاجه ! اول مره حصلت استغربت ! قلت معلش يمكن لسه واكل و لسه شارب و محلي و كل حاجه! بس تقعد اكتر من ساعتين و يرغي اد كده و في الاخر برضه كل ما يجي الويتر برضه ميطلبش حاجه! يبقي اكيد في ان!
عدت المره الاولنيه و التانيه و التالته و اللي بعده و اللي بعده و ولا مره شرب كوباية ماية !
كل مره استغرب و اقول معلش يا بت عديها ! متظليمهوش ! و ده برضه تقيل مش سهل و فلوسه كتير ! طب ليه كده ! و التمستله الاعذار ! عادي ! لغاية ما مره و احنا خارجين و كالعاده مطلبش حاجه و قام مطلع بعد شوية كيس شيبسي ياكله ! مصدقتش ! اتكسفت ! و حسيت اني التفضحت ! بس انا مالي هوه اللي اتفضح ! انا باكل و بشرب و بطلب مايه و ديسيرت كمان ! و بسيب تيبس ! يبقي هوه اللي اتعر مش انا ! بس حقيقي مش مصدقه ! ايه الاصناف اللي اعرفها دي ! و ازاي بقع واقفه كده ! و انا اصلا مش فاهمه بيجيبوا الجراه دي منين !
النموذج ده مستمر لغاية دلوقتي و دواليك.

النموذج الثالث: مش بغني النموذجين اللي فاتوا ، معتمد لسه علي اهله ماديا جامد ، شغله مش بيجيب فلوس كتير ، بس هوه برضه ابن ناس جدا ! جدا ! و لكن ملتمسه العذر عشان فعلا معتمد علي اهله و فلوسه قليله! الاستاذ ده لما باخرج معاه لازم يحسبها بالسحتوت قبل ميخرخ هنقعد فين و هناكل ايه ! و لازم تتم الجمله بتاعت اصلي يا دوب و معييش فلوس كتير ! تفتكر ينفع كذا و كذا ! و انا اقلله و لا تحمل هم ! انا معاك ! يقوللي لا طبعا !
المهم نخرج و يطلب طلبه المعتاد و يحسب علي قد طلبه بالظبط لما يجي الحساب لا يزود ضريبه و لا اي حاجه و يقوللك بكل صراحه ملهاش لازمه التيبس ! دول واخدين فلوس اد كده !  و برضه ينتهي الحوار اني شايله الليله ! بس. احقاقا للحق الاخ التالت ده فعلا بيصعب عليا ! تصدق انه لما بيطلب مايه بيطلبها من الحنفيه ! و يوكد من الحنفيه بس يا ريت عليها تلج! هوه بس بيفقعني ساعات انه لما يبتدي ياكلنفسه ساعات تتفتح و يبتدي يطلب حاجات كتير و يسالني علياستحياء معلش اصلي جعان او نفسي احلي و مش هيبقي معايا فلوس ! و انا عرق الشهامه يضرب ! طبعا ! اكيد! و انا مفروسه بصراحه ! اهلي علموني معيييش ميلزمنيش ! بس ارجع اقول معلش!
اكتر حاجه بتحرجني لما صديقي ده ساعات يطلب الويتر عشان يساله عن حاجه بكام و هتبقيبكام بعد الضريبه و كله! ساعتها ببقي في ربع هدومي !
و احقاقا للحق كتير بيعرض انه يردلي اللي خده ! و انا برفض! و غالبا بيتفرج عليا و انابطلب و باكل علي اني مبذره علي راي دنياسمير غانم !
هيا دي بقي يا سيدي الاشكال اللي مصاحبها ! طبعا في ناس كويسه مجبتش سيرتها عشان دول قليلين قوي ! سو فيو تو مينشين ! بس فيه و للاسف مش باشوفهم كتير !
حياتي مليانه ناس ماسي و ناس ملهاش لازمه! كارهه تكون الماده سبب! بس للاسف تبقي السبب الالف لو فيه ٩٩ سبب!
علي فكره لاانا معايا فلوس كتير و لا لاقياهم فيالشارع ! و بيطلع ترابنتيني عشان اجيب الجنيه ! بس عايزتعيش لارج يبقي لازم تصرف علي لارجنتك !مش تبقي لارج علي قفا اللي جنبك! انا قفايا تعب الصراحه !

زهقت منك و اتخنقت

عمري ما تخيلت اني هازعل منك كده! عمري ما حسيت اني ممكن اكرهك ! عمري ما فكرت اني اسيبك ! بس انا خلاص للاسف تخلصت من حبك ! و معدتش في قلبي الا كرهك ! مش بكرهك بس مش قادره استحملك ! مش قادره افهمك ! مش قادره اتعامل معاكي و معنديش اي تفهم و مش عايزه حتي اتفاهم !
اديتك فرصه و اتنين و تلاته ! و انتي و لا هنا ! و دايما مطنشه ! انتي اصلا مش ماسكه فيا ! انتي هتكسري زير ورايا! و لا كانك في يوم هويتي و لا علي ترابك بكيتي !
حزينه و مقهوره ! وصلنا لمرحلة مينفعش نكمل ! و مفروضين علي بعض لانا عارفه اسيبك و لا انتي عارفه تسيبيني ! نفسي في اول فرصه و اغور من وشك! معلش مكنتش متعوده اتكلم كده معاكي ! نفسي يفضل شوية حب مني ليكي و يفضل شوية حب و احترام منك ليا !
كان نفسي تفهيميني و كان نفسي افهمك ! بس خلاص وصلنا لنقطة خلاف! لانتي شايفاني و لا حاسه بيا اصلا! و لا انا  طايقك و لا طايق اعيش معاكي و لا ليكي !
سيبيني امشي ! سيبيني يمكن الاقي مكان تاني ارتاح فيه ! يمكن الاقي حضن يضمني ! يمكن الاقي و يمكن ملاقيش ! اهو ساعتها ارجعلك و راسي فوق رقبتي ! و تضحكي عليا  و اهو ممكن كمان تشمتي فيا ! سيبيني بس ! سبيني ابوس ايديكي ! سيبيني  ! مش عايزه ابص ورايا و لا عايزه افكر فيكي ! سيبيني ابوس ايديكي


I need to confess ! Not that kind of big confessions that brings everything upside down! Or blows the world into pieces ! Nah ! That kind sort of simple confession that I need to throw away ! Away your way. That you sometime have a chance to see it or read it and know how important you were to me while I was only something to you.

I have always loved you and never ever hated you! Never doubted my love to you nor questioned my anger though.that is my confession,see how simple it is !

I see dreams that I call nightmares that I don't feel quite well with ! That kind of dreams that leaves your body in struggle and suffer all day! That you have a headache all day long with painkillers only adding up pain into your whole system. I am optimistic though! Yet they keep on attacking me , not to lie to you I feel sometimes they hold a message underneath! That I would be dying soon.yes,that is how I feel or see! I am trying not to exaggerate but yet this is how I currently feel.I tried to skip this feeling ! We all gonna die one day , why do we fear death anyway! I am not ready as many of you might feel too ! Anyways not to bring it this way of readiness or not but back to my confessions and that what I have always wanted to say to you is " I have always loved you" deep and warm .big enough that I was ready to do anything in the world to you! You were my first love ,first in everything and you were the Father to my son " I might have not told you about this part dear reader , that I have become a wife and mom"but to cut it short I am now. I have been through a lot which kept me away from being in sync with my news , but to tell you the truth it wasn't as easy as I ever thought it would be. Anyways back to my confession , my love. And thats what kept me hurt all that long , that I didnt find you in places you should have been fulfilling nor found me in your kept me away,far enough that I always thought there is a big gap between us.even if we tried to get closed there was always an ice barrier,I have tried my best to break the ice and you tried your best to set it in place.

The reason I am writing this now that I feel insecure,the world is falling for me, accompanied with my scary dreams or nightmares whatever they are , my perfect soundtrack now is Adele's skyfall!

I just wanted to tell you that i have always loved you , as you would never know or feel how much I did ! I have been always keen to keep you in my life! Even if we were sometimes discussing to drift apart! That was my only way left to keep you close ! Your absence,long hours away! Your ignorance, not having me in each tiny detail not even close! Always  think it is me , whatever really ! Not really discussing this now! If you feel that would be your last msg I wouldn't risk wasting in in bickering nor on blame ! I would only say how much I did love you ! And how always wanted you close and happy! How always thought we can make a perfect partner to each if we just listen and do ! I have always thought how fragile my feelings were to you! Were like a plant that needed to be watered and sunned but in many times you forgot to pour some-water on it for days and sometime long.

I do love you and do wish we had lived a perfect life! I ever wanted to and wished for.

You might question what is the about ! Believe me ,me myself don't know!  I just wanted to say smth that you remember me with someday ! If you ever had the chance to read me.

And ask you a favor though, to take a good care of my kid ,naive me to ask such a favor! But I am stressing on it ! Coz I have seen good men their lives turn over after their wives leave! And of ourse drifting their kids' away too,so as much as you love him ! And as much as you ever loved me ! To ever take care of my kid ever after . I now feel I am done !just likeone of those old movies where the actor does this and then swallows all the pills of his meds and put his head on his desk or his bed and the sheroe comes after asking for his name to find him already dead!

Have no clue what is that about !only smth Been in heart and mind! For quite long now And had to be written down.

I Confess.