Bonne annee :)

I just received a Bonne annee call :) From someone I haven't heard from for so loooooong , thank you dear caller .and it only assures one thing, new year's greetings are always great and inspiring :)
fills the air with love and passion :) good morning everyone and good year ahead :) good morning lovely creatures , you're loved , so enjoy the moment
Bonne annee a tous :)

Bisous Bisous

P.S: I just love this time of year....it is so me :) Thank God :) love love love

Mark your calendar 27 october 2014 sunday 11am -12am

Yeah mark yours and mark mine :) I have just done it :)  I have been to aerobics class ! Ordinary enough for you ! Me ! 3yrs back oh yeah ! But today it is like a miracle! That is my first class in three years can you imagine ! In three years I have not been to a classroom where I can wear in my sports gear which I always like and feel look good in ! And have my adrenaline going up and high ! That is awesome ! Awesome that I forgot how it feels ! Awesome that I am not still familliar with the feeling! Still feeling me three and four yrs back and maybe more! It is awesome that I am afraid that I lose it once again ! Afraid that I am not able to have it going along my whole life style and routine! I so wanted that man ! I so wanted that ! The music beat ! The dance! The working out! The squats and the crunches ! Shaking and moving! The burning out! The feeling of my butt and tummy getting smaller! That feeling of being real wet! That you try hard to catch up your breath! Those nice ppl looking at you and spreadin smiles everywhere! That energy and that good ambiance! I so much loved it! This is whe my soul belongs! Not litterlaly! Coz I hope it goes to heaven after all ! But I believe ppl are made for certain things to be in love with certain people and have their karma within certain places , and musical events , working out , and spiritual places as well as sacred mosques and places , thats all where I find my karma and feel really high! This is where I lay off my troubles and pains, this is where I feel good about myself:) this is beyond magic for me ! If my perfect cup of coffee does alot then what I just been to is beyond my coffee !
I am in one of those moods that I am calm , pray that good  keeps this up , let me go on a daily basis I wish to do my workouts! And I pray that god saves me and my family from any trouble ! As  as much I am content as much as I am afraid that goes away! Ya rab! Hopefuuly it remains ! Ya rab . Save it for me. Ya rab. Y rab. Ya rab. Help me do it and help me continue in doing it.
Give me strenght and give others ability to bear with it as I will need support, please.
Amin
That was my little prayer as I am deeply thankful for making it today. Deeply thankful that I am here ! Deeply thankful and grateful.  الحمدلله
الحمدلله  الحمدلله. الحمدلله 

What went wrong !

I ask myself over and over again ! What could have gone wrong! What is that big thing we are really fighting on or even for ! What is that reason we are drifting apart!
Why you are not accepting me as much as you're blaming me of not accepting you!
The who you are,one you were and one you become to, I should respect all forms of you and I should accept them all. Without argument. And when it comes to me, I shouldnt be in fact disccussing anything related to me as long as it pisses you off! Shouldnot be talking myself out! I Should be accepting am blocked! Least priority in your life and your worst friend! I should be all that and I still be accepting how you see me and dealing with it normally. Alright. I accept. I did and tried to deal with it! Yet it didn't drive us anywhere but worse! coz you couldnt accept me in return! You couldnt accept my fears! My demands! My needs! You couldnt get how insane this is driving me! how stressed out I am ! I ran a test we had over stress thing and my result was scary in fact! that the facilitator seriously advised me that I should solve it out not only deal with it! you kknow it is getting to me physically now ! with this allregy that coming out of stress! know you not really following and not will really do ! coz you not used to ! and I should accept it this way ! I should hang on to ALL responsibilities without complaint! I should deal with it! I am not a superwoman! I am not not ! I am weak ! very weak indeed! that I can break down in any second! not a drama queen. Just fyi. Stating a fact. And above all you couldn't get how much I love you and how much I need you ! And how much I really want us to be as close and good as we always dreamed for! Sharing life! life partners ! holding responsibilities together! caring for each AS MuCH! giving both room and space as having special and priavte time together! You always got my discussions wrong! Interpreted my fears and questions wrongly! And again drifted me away!made us quite apart! That it became so hard to find an intermediate point to meet at ! Though I still recall and still think we have so much in common ! We surely have differences! Yet we could deal with it! I love you and have always wanted to grow old with you! I love you. And I still wish you love me too. As I sometimes question if you still do.

An article that I see heart breaking

http://www.shorouknews.com/columns/view.aspx?cdate=10092013&id=28a4d270-56a3-4865-b4c8-d6e282c071eb&fb_comment_id=fbc_1377012459190139_146_1377013415856710#ffbd0dbf8

I Miss you Dad

:(  I don't quite often write about you!ever Since you've passed away we pretend that we will be okay! Each is trying to show strength that no one feels the weakness inside! Though I am sure inside each one of us a space and shallow you left behind! Ever since this year and a half!a lil bit more than.
I miss you dad,I saw you today sitting in your place! Mocking at everyone!bringing laughter to whole place! I saw you trying each kind of food and giving your reedback about it! I saw you sitting in the garden enjoying having us all around you! U were always main reason we were there!I saw you asking for your coffee n same guy delivering it! I saw you smiling at this playing with kids! I saw you having that conversation with R! Still feels like yesterday!I still recall those arguments u always brought to the table!those remarks!your unique way of putting ur ideas straight into any's eyes! I still recall ur last time as if it was today not even yesterday!recall how happy u were back then.
I saw your leg! You re barely able to walk!I saw how hard it was for you to sit that long!I saw you smiling all time long! I felt you were there! You always loved to see us amongst family and ever since early years you were stressing on holding to family attires!even when we were complaining about it!that we want to go out see friends instead !u were always against it and making family comes first! You were the reason why!
I miss you dad:( sealed with heavy tears:( not that I only miss you !i need you, that I feel the need to have you around as I ever needed you as a baby,a child,and much more when I grew up!
I wish you a better place , heavens isA
Dad.wherever you are, be sure we all miss you!not only me! Everyone of us is missin u!
I wasnt sure if it would hv felt better raising any topic related to you, think it is wise there wasnt! Yet as lovers do I wanted to hear any gratitude ,anything of that kind about you! yet it would hv brought sadness to my heart that i wouldnt bear to hold!explode in tears n leave ahead! So think it is wise yet u know
Dad,my prayers go out to you,اللهم عافه و اعف عنه! و اكرم نزله ووسع مدخله،و اجعل قبره روضة من رياض الجنة. اللهم ابدله دارا خيرا من داره، و اهلا خيرا من اهله! و زوجا خيرا من زوجه. و اغسله بالماء والثلج والبرد. اللهم اجعل قبره روضة من رياض الجنة.

The Ring

This is not about the movie The Ring  it is about a more complicated thing TheRing that people wear when they get committed ,engaged or married . Yeah , that ring.

I didn't know it is that important to people nor did I know it is of any importance to anyone but the ones in the relationship ! but I was wrong!
The Ring turned out to be a marital state declation ! People check on your hands , check them out to make sure you are single or not! And if there is a ring in which hand it is ! To know whether it is enagement or marriage! But till this point that whole thing was okay with me,although I have always thought of those Cinderella thoughts of having my beloved name on my ring , wearing it ever after ,and so on. Till you face reality and you are not that loyal to your ring!
You leave it on you watertub, on your desk, on your dresser ,wherever you might do and gradually you stop wearing it! Or maybe you decide you dont want to wear it! And maybe you're done with this relation so you stop wearing it even if you're involved in it from head to toe! Anyways, you show up with no Ring.
I figured out that people question why ! I find it nosey and cheesy ! But fact is they do! Where is your ring ? Why dont you wear your ring ? And most common are you still together?
Thought it will be once , twice oh a lot more but it turned out to be so damn annoying so many lots of times! And I dont have to explain myself to you why I am not wearing my ring! Till something  interesting happened! A couple of things in fact , one is , I received a decent proposal ! Oh yeah! From someone Who checked on my ring and didn't see it there for some time so he thought I am free to propose!that was quite interesting for me that men do check on the ring too! I have always thought it is not of any importance to them! But with that proposal I knew it is ! Coz he knows am married and I do have a kid but as long as there is no ring then it means I am free!
I been through a similar thing before !but that time I was wearing that kind of ring which is not a traditional ring, which made the propsed guy think I am not wearing a ring , meaning I just wear a normal ring , and he asked a friend of mine about me and if it is okay to propose!that was kind of strange to me coz he didnt recognize that the ring I am wearing is in fact THE RING !
Time passed by, and seems the ring remains the ring ! Coz again someone approached while being in a public place thinking it would be okay to start a conevrsation with ! I only thought oh me stupid! Coz I am not wearing my ring !
The ring doesnt prevent you such situations coz in fact I been thru some while I was having my ring on and my baby on his stroller ! But the idea of the ring remains as a key or indicator of shall I approach or not! Shall I say it out ! Shall I propose!
I had to wear it on just to prove to those stalkers that I am not interested Thank YOu. Yet I wouldn't have known how important to them it is until I have been through it.

insane

.8/4/2013 monday .call me insane

مضطربة

احسن كلمة توصف اللي حاسة بيه دلوقتي! مضطربة! عايزه اهرب ! ماشية علي الصحراوي و حاسه اني ممكن انطلق و اطلع علي اسكندرية ! مش مبسوطة خالص ! و حاسه بخنقه و انفعالات كتيره! مش عارفه ممكن تطلع ازاي بس لما كل حاجه تمشي عكس اتجاهك بيكون تفكيرك اعمل ايه عشان اعديها او اعمل ايه عشان اخليهم يفهموا اد ايه تعبانه منهم ! محدش فاهمني و لا حد حاسس بيا ! حتي اقرب الناس ليا ! عايزه احس بالاهتمام زي ما كل حد في الدايره بتاعتي بيطالبني اهتم بيه ! اتخنقت ! مش قادره اكمل الصورة دي ! مش قادره ! و محدش كالعاده بيساعدني ! يمكن لما اختفي من حياتهم يحسوا بيا ! يمكن ساعتها يزعلوا عليا ! مشهانتحر متخافوش ! وراياابن عايزه اربيه! بس كمان نفسي اهج   اهجججج

Flirting in public

How confusing was always that to me ! Between how good it must feels! And how close it makes look like ! And how bad in others standards! If not rejected! Not to mention 7aram!
But what if it is between married couples! Would it have been alright then ? Dont think ! It would have still remain rejected!
What if it feels good being wanted and said out loud in public ! With nothing that would يخدش الحياء العام " ya3ny whats wrong with a quick kiss on a cheak or even holding hands ! Or being circled with love birds ! Though we always mock lovebirders! Guess it is 3eryan elteet ,sorry,but I am sure that any who would have a chance to be loved in public with those love looks and holding hands!will never reject sucha call!who does idiot! But we only good at laughing at those who seem in love coz apparently we are unable to give love like them!

Now ,two foreigners were sitting next to me,and both were busy with their laptops yet they were holding hands all the time,from time to time look at each in the eye, have some cuddling and smiles that say I love you
I am sorry I noticed that ! But they were too close to be seen and I am sensetive to that so my receptors work highly with max power when it gets close! But I really liked them ,they were so natural not faking anything not even in the looks ! Cntrary to egyptians I am sorry when they make it in public! It is always cheesy and you feel like you want to throw them with closes flipflop لا مواخذه شبشب have no idaea why ! Where the descrimnation came from ! Cant even tell!
But two weeks bacj
K i was sitting in. A aplace where 2 egy adults this time were obviously having a break out for coffee or sometimg as both were dressed in formal attires with even business suitcae,and aft they finished their business ,they then started holding hands and looking at each in the eye ! How awkward it felt for me then ! Coz they seemed old to do so ! But few moments later I was in love with them ! Dont know why ! They did nothing more than the holding han and feeling of love birds but they really looked lovely in those business attires and in love !
Why do we fail to make love the way others do ! Why we hate them at somepoint and love them madly at another!
Why we sometimes accept it from some and sometimes just hate it and hate tehe idea of being loved!
Why we find some cheesy and some classy! Some to be accepted from and others to just blame it along! How double standards work in that perfectly!
If you come to me, i know it would bot comfy having anything antimate in public but holding hands never failed me! I wish i can walk ,work do anything while holding hands ! Really ! And wouldnot mind seeing love gests too in public ! Yes in public,coz if you can do it in public then it says a lot to me .
How aboutyou ? How you see it yourself ?

Blessed

We always complain and talk about problems and we barely talk about our blessings!goes perfectly well when a single woman says it out loudly that married or committed always complain or talk when they have complaints but they never open their mouths if they are okay or maybe Happy !
Why is that ! I find it curious to know ! Why we only talk if we have complaints ! Is it about envy eye ! That we are always afraid of ! Is it our nature that we only wAnt to show the sad face and we are scared to death to show the good one! We genuinely say coz there is no good face! But in fact there is !there are too many good faces indeed! God loves us!I always look to my kid and imagine how much I love him and think how then God loves us who created us from nothing! If this is my l ove to my kid definitely with no comparison god loves us more and in his way!which is shown all the way all the time but we just sometimes fail to comprehend! Although it is crystal clear!

I am kind of biased by life of pi ,which I have seen it today and as usual good movies leave the impression on me! I leave the movie theatre with the movie in and all about me!and that one is brilliant! So as Pi mentioned God is always there watching you , protecting you in his way ,even if u sometimes fail to see him , it is your fault !

I am blessed elhamduellah ! I am with too many blessings to count !
You know I am having my coffee now which is good and always feels blessed to have a good coffee:)
We need to feel it ! In side out ! You are blessed!
و ان تعدوا نعم الله لا تحصوها " صدق الله العظيم

نقطة نظام

محتاجه نقطة نظام ! وقفة مع النفس !
علي كل المستويات ! اجتماعيا و نفسيا و ماديا و صحيا !
مين قال العيشه البوهيمي بتريح ! خالص علي فكره ! دي بتقلق و بتتعب اكتر منها بتريح !
نقطة بظام. مطلوبه علي وجه السرعه و مطلوب تكون مش نقطه واحده !مطلوب تكون عدة نقاط ! لا انا عمري هالتزم بيهم و لا حتي هامشي عليهم! بس خانبسط جدا و انا بقولهم و بخططلهم!
الانرجي كلها بتطلع و انت بتكتبهم و بعد كده يحللها حلال! مش مشكله! نبقي نقولهم تاني:)
مبسوطه اني رجعت اقرا تاني! كان فايتني كتير قوي! الدخول لعالمي السحري يبدا بكتاب و قلم ! منه للالله الفيسبوك و التويتر! اللي خلانا بس مستقبلين و مسطحين ! جدا!
نقطتي عايزه يبقي يها حسابات متخرش المايه! و كمان اهتمامات جديده! و روحانيات و اجتهدات في هذا الاتجاه!
دي لسه فيها كلام كتير بس انا لازم انزل انقل العربيه من "النقطة"اللي هيا فيها دلوقتي :) و للحديث بقية

Young Woman

I have spent most of my life time thinking it is best to be young ,young as in teens and early twinties ! I never thought I would struggle when I reach out my thirties ! I am 33 btw you may have noticed from earlier post,anyways , it never crossed my mind that 30's would be that harsh or tough to me ! Not in numbers nor in spirit ! But definitely in shape and health . I ever thought it is just a number ! Doesn't represent anything but a number !
But when I made it to 30+ I realized I wished I would have remained in 20's for good ! The spirit and everything is amazing and breath taking when it comes to 20's ,while it is devastating and heart breaking when it comes to 30's !that is what they have taught us to ! And made it well and crystal clear , as if they wanted us to give up on life as soon as we get there!
But ,voila,I have grown up to a young woman, I am not struggling anymore, I enjoy this stage and I learned well how to enjoy it well! Even now I am not looking back at 20's as a part of heavens,nope, it is mentioned that women in heavens will be in age of 33,my age NOW!
We waste our lifetime looking for something we don't have! And spend what's left regretting what we should have /not done ! Insane! What we do to ourselves is completely insane!
We need to stop and look at what we have achieved so far and enjoy it ,feel good about it and look forward to something better with ACCeptance! Key word is accept and be grateful and thankful!
Know what,only now I realize how 33 is awesome! Being a Young Woman is awesome! You realize the compliments and approaches people do to approach you ! You realize you not that little kid anymore nor that immature creature ! I am a woman and it is lovely to be so!
Thanks to the int'l women's day :) Thank you every one outhere for making us Women strong!
And as I have started my talking with , and as it once was said" I have grown up to a young woman :)"
Enjoy it you Women outhere :) stay strong

اصحاب عرر

ايوه عرر ! بالظبط كده ! متستغربش ! او ميغركش !
مش عشان ابن وزير و بتشتغل في بنك و بتقبض كتير ! مش معناها انك ابن ناس و  كلاس !
خالص علي فكره ! انا من كتر ما شوفت و لفيت مش مصدقه الاصناف اللي في السوق !
خد عندك دي واحد ابن ناس و اسمه هاي كلاس تخرج معاه ميطلبش غير قهوه و يشرب من مايتك و يقاسمك في اكلتك! طب متطلب! لا! اصل ملسش نفس ! امال مبرشط ليه علي مال و اكل الناس! و تيجي ساعة التشيك ! يعمل بليد حساب و قال كل اللي خده ب ٥ جنيه بالتيبس ! هوه في كه ! ده الحاجه الساقعه ب ١٣ جنيه و احسب التاكسس و السيرفيس و لو اتكرمت و سيبت تيبس ! يبقي هتقفل ٢٠ جنيه بالمستريح!
اول مره تعديها و تكمل من جيبك و تاني مره تعديها ! و تيجي عند التالته و تقوله ستوب ! راجع الحساب ! يعمل عبيط و اهبل و من طنطا ! و لما تواجهه يقوللك معلش كملي اصلي مسحبتش فلوس ! اصل اي نيله و هباب !
عارف المشكله مش انه كده ! المشكله انه فاكر نفسه ابن ناس بجد! و تناكه علي خلق الله ! و يطلع عين الجرسون و هاتك رايح جاي و طلبات ! و لا عمره سابله بقشيش! مش مصدق في كده! ابسولتلي ! ده في انقح من كده ! هوه نفس ذات الشخص يبقي يومك اسود لو طلب اكل! لازم تعمل حسابك انك اكيد متعور في اد كده عشان هوه ابن ناس و فاكر ان كل الناس ولاد كلب! يحسب حسبه عجيبه و يحط ناقص ٥٠ جنيه و في الاخر يقوللك انا ليا باقي ! لفظ ! و لكن يعجز لسانك السليط عا ايذاءه و تتفضل و تدفعله باقي حسابه ! و هوه كمان فاكر انه ليه باقي !
قالك الكلام ده بيحصل اهو بقالو سنين يمكن عشره او زياده حبتين ! قالك ايه اللي رماك ع المر ! قلت اللي امر منه ! انه اصلا مفيش صحاب ! هما دول اسمهم صحاب ؟ احيه! دول عرر!
مع ًالعلم بقي ان النموذج ده اغني مني بمراحلللل! و فلوسه في البنك اد كده و احسن مني ماديا اكيد! و مع ذلك " نتن"  .

النموذج التاني اللي يخرج معاه و ميطلبش حاجه ! اول مره حصلت استغربت ! قلت معلش يمكن لسه واكل و لسه شارب و محلي و كل حاجه! بس تقعد اكتر من ساعتين و يرغي اد كده و في الاخر برضه كل ما يجي الويتر برضه ميطلبش حاجه! يبقي اكيد في ان!
عدت المره الاولنيه و التانيه و التالته و اللي بعده و اللي بعده و ولا مره شرب كوباية ماية !
كل مره استغرب و اقول معلش يا بت عديها ! متظليمهوش ! و ده برضه تقيل مش سهل و فلوسه كتير ! طب ليه كده ! و التمستله الاعذار ! عادي ! لغاية ما مره و احنا خارجين و كالعاده مطلبش حاجه و قام مطلع بعد شوية كيس شيبسي ياكله ! مصدقتش ! اتكسفت ! و حسيت اني التفضحت ! بس انا مالي هوه اللي اتفضح ! انا باكل و بشرب و بطلب مايه و ديسيرت كمان ! و بسيب تيبس ! يبقي هوه اللي اتعر مش انا ! بس حقيقي مش مصدقه ! ايه الاصناف اللي اعرفها دي ! و ازاي بقع واقفه كده ! و انا اصلا مش فاهمه بيجيبوا الجراه دي منين !
النموذج ده مستمر لغاية دلوقتي و دواليك.

النموذج الثالث: مش بغني النموذجين اللي فاتوا ، معتمد لسه علي اهله ماديا جامد ، شغله مش بيجيب فلوس كتير ، بس هوه برضه ابن ناس جدا ! جدا ! و لكن ملتمسه العذر عشان فعلا معتمد علي اهله و فلوسه قليله! الاستاذ ده لما باخرج معاه لازم يحسبها بالسحتوت قبل ميخرخ هنقعد فين و هناكل ايه ! و لازم تتم الجمله بتاعت اصلي يا دوب و معييش فلوس كتير ! تفتكر ينفع كذا و كذا ! و انا اقلله و لا تحمل هم ! انا معاك ! يقوللي لا طبعا !
المهم نخرج و يطلب طلبه المعتاد و يحسب علي قد طلبه بالظبط لما يجي الحساب لا يزود ضريبه و لا اي حاجه و يقوللك بكل صراحه ملهاش لازمه التيبس ! دول واخدين فلوس اد كده !  و برضه ينتهي الحوار اني شايله الليله ! بس. احقاقا للحق الاخ التالت ده فعلا بيصعب عليا ! تصدق انه لما بيطلب مايه بيطلبها من الحنفيه ! و يوكد من الحنفيه بس يا ريت عليها تلج! هوه بس بيفقعني ساعات انه لما يبتدي ياكلنفسه ساعات تتفتح و يبتدي يطلب حاجات كتير و يسالني علياستحياء معلش اصلي جعان او نفسي احلي و مش هيبقي معايا فلوس ! و انا عرق الشهامه يضرب ! طبعا ! اكيد! و انا مفروسه بصراحه ! اهلي علموني معيييش ميلزمنيش ! بس ارجع اقول معلش!
اكتر حاجه بتحرجني لما صديقي ده ساعات يطلب الويتر عشان يساله عن حاجه بكام و هتبقيبكام بعد الضريبه و كله! ساعتها ببقي في ربع هدومي !
و احقاقا للحق كتير بيعرض انه يردلي اللي خده ! و انا برفض! و غالبا بيتفرج عليا و انابطلب و باكل علي اني مبذره علي راي دنياسمير غانم !
هيا دي بقي يا سيدي الاشكال اللي مصاحبها ! طبعا في ناس كويسه مجبتش سيرتها عشان دول قليلين قوي ! سو فيو تو مينشين ! بس فيه و للاسف مش باشوفهم كتير !
حياتي مليانه ناس ماسي و ناس ملهاش لازمه! كارهه تكون الماده سبب! بس للاسف تبقي السبب الالف لو فيه ٩٩ سبب!
علي فكره لاانا معايا فلوس كتير و لا لاقياهم فيالشارع ! و بيطلع ترابنتيني عشان اجيب الجنيه ! بس عايزتعيش لارج يبقي لازم تصرف علي لارجنتك !مش تبقي لارج علي قفا اللي جنبك! انا قفايا تعب الصراحه !

زهقت منك و اتخنقت

عمري ما تخيلت اني هازعل منك كده! عمري ما حسيت اني ممكن اكرهك ! عمري ما فكرت اني اسيبك ! بس انا خلاص للاسف تخلصت من حبك ! و معدتش في قلبي الا كرهك ! مش بكرهك بس مش قادره استحملك ! مش قادره افهمك ! مش قادره اتعامل معاكي و معنديش اي تفهم و مش عايزه حتي اتفاهم !
اديتك فرصه و اتنين و تلاته ! و انتي و لا هنا ! و دايما مطنشه ! انتي اصلا مش ماسكه فيا ! انتي هتكسري زير ورايا! و لا كانك في يوم هويتي و لا علي ترابك بكيتي !
حزينه و مقهوره ! وصلنا لمرحلة مينفعش نكمل ! و مفروضين علي بعض لانا عارفه اسيبك و لا انتي عارفه تسيبيني ! نفسي في اول فرصه و اغور من وشك! معلش مكنتش متعوده اتكلم كده معاكي ! نفسي يفضل شوية حب مني ليكي و يفضل شوية حب و احترام منك ليا !
كان نفسي تفهيميني و كان نفسي افهمك ! بس خلاص وصلنا لنقطة خلاف! لانتي شايفاني و لا حاسه بيا اصلا! و لا انا  طايقك و لا طايق اعيش معاكي و لا ليكي !
سيبيني امشي ! سيبيني يمكن الاقي مكان تاني ارتاح فيه ! يمكن الاقي حضن يضمني ! يمكن الاقي و يمكن ملاقيش ! اهو ساعتها ارجعلك و راسي فوق رقبتي ! و تضحكي عليا  و اهو ممكن كمان تشمتي فيا ! سيبيني بس ! سبيني ابوس ايديكي ! سيبيني  ! مش عايزه ابص ورايا و لا عايزه افكر فيكي ! سيبيني ابوس ايديكي

Confession

I need to confess ! Not that kind of big confessions that brings everything upside down! Or blows the world into pieces ! Nah ! That kind sort of simple confession that I need to throw away ! Away your way. That you sometime have a chance to see it or read it and know how important you were to me while I was only something to you.

I have always loved you and never ever hated you! Never doubted my love to you nor questioned my anger though.that is my confession,see how simple it is !

I see dreams that I call nightmares that I don't feel quite well with ! That kind of dreams that leaves your body in struggle and suffer all day! That you have a headache all day long with painkillers only adding up pain into your whole system. I am optimistic though! Yet they keep on attacking me , not to lie to you I feel sometimes they hold a message underneath! That I would be dying soon.yes,that is how I feel or see! I am trying not to exaggerate but yet this is how I currently feel.I tried to skip this feeling ! We all gonna die one day , why do we fear death anyway! I am not ready as many of you might feel too ! Anyways not to bring it this way of readiness or not but back to my confessions and that what I have always wanted to say to you is " I have always loved you" deep and warm .big enough that I was ready to do anything in the world to you! You were my first love ,first in everything and you were the Father to my son " I might have not told you about this part dear reader , that I have become a wife and mom"but to cut it short I am now. I have been through a lot which kept me away from being in sync with my news , but to tell you the truth it wasn't as easy as I ever thought it would be. Anyways back to my confession , my love. And thats what kept me hurt all that long , that I didnt find you in places you should have been fulfilling nor found me in your life.you kept me away,far enough that I always thought there is a big gap between us.even if we tried to get closed there was always an ice barrier,I have tried my best to break the ice and you tried your best to set it in place.

The reason I am writing this now that I feel insecure,the world is falling for me, accompanied with my scary dreams or nightmares whatever they are , my perfect soundtrack now is Adele's skyfall!

I just wanted to tell you that i have always loved you , as you would never know or feel how much I did ! I have been always keen to keep you in my life! Even if we were sometimes discussing to drift apart! That was my only way left to keep you close ! Your absence,long hours away! Your ignorance, not having me in each tiny detail not even close! Always  think it is me , whatever really ! Not really discussing this now! If you feel that would be your last msg I wouldn't risk wasting in in bickering nor on blame ! I would only say how much I did love you ! And how always wanted you close and happy! How always thought we can make a perfect partner to each if we just listen and do ! I have always thought how fragile my feelings were to you! Were like a plant that needed to be watered and sunned but in many times you forgot to pour some-water on it for days and sometime long.

I do love you and do wish we had lived a perfect life! I ever wanted to and wished for.

You might question what is the about ! Believe me ,me myself don't know!  I just wanted to say smth that you remember me with someday ! If you ever had the chance to read me.

And ask you a favor though, to take a good care of my kid ,naive me to ask such a favor! But I am stressing on it ! Coz I have seen good men their lives turn over after their wives leave! And of ourse drifting their kids' away too,so as much as you love him ! And as much as you ever loved me ! To ever take care of my kid ever after . I now feel I am done !just likeone of those old movies where the actor does this and then swallows all the pills of his meds and put his head on his desk or his bed and the sheroe comes after asking for his name to find him already dead!

Have no clue what is that about !only smth Been in heart and mind! For quite long now And had to be written down.

I Confess.