Wednesday, December 14, 2011


I woke up on a dream , That I couldn't quite get or clarify ! I wanted to focus on the signs sent out through it ! and I couldn't yet !
It was full of names , faces and places ! I don't identify any rightnow, but at minute of rising up , that one second when you can tell if you only can chase another second to go on that dream again ! if I only can go back to sleep !
But I couldn't go back to that dream ! nor Do I recall it right now ! only the effect of it remains !
Overwhelmed , over tensed ! crying ,fighting for the silliest reason ! looking for something I don't really know ! or I might do but I prefer to pretend that I don't !
memories are all over the place ! in my brains , in my writings ,in my phone , in my eyes, in my hands ... .it is all related in a way or another !!! still , I resent and I regret . and above all I miss.
Due all of those negative and positive feelings I am sure of few things I miss, they might sound naiive or non important for others , but for me they are quite Big and essential too. that they make me stop working,and stop living at somepoint if I don't have them ! I wana live those moments back again, I wish if I have that remote control ,of the movie Click.n I just click the rewind botton and go back change and Undo whatever I disliked, and Paused on the ones I ever loved and I might choose to live in those ones for good ! I would go back for each situation I liked and every good momery I live on.I would go back to the people I ever loved and enjoyed having them in my life and would keep them there and never let go of them. I wold too go and remove those ones who ever hurt me or caused me a bad feeling / memory that makes me feel now.
I would stay in my early 20's for a while , I always loved being there ..with the teen /growup in between spirit , travelling all year , and doing watever I liked and found doable ! I miss that alot !
I would go back and hug every and each one I now know they are here for me , I would kiss those moments I knew how hard it was for them to be so , I would kiss all the trouble away . I would have done all what it takes to keep Time as it was back then.
But As I already know, that is only in my dreams , and in my dreams I can do so :)
so I am still affected by last night dream , and that one of two nights before, when I had a glimpse of all that coming true.and woke up on the fact they are in vain.
only left for me are the memories I live on.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Love in the air...

Red Red Red , The whole world is dressed in Red .
It is Xmas time , it is a happy time .
I love the Xmas spirit , where tress are wrapped up with happy lights , Xmas plants are everywhere. People look shiny is like everthing is trasmitting LOVE.
Love me love me , say that you love me..
Hold me, Hold me....Never leave me.
Love me.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Put yourself in my shoes !

I had a friend, whom I called a close friend. we used to do stuff together, we knew each for long.
I always loved being around her, we knew how to joke , laugh and do cry together.
along the way , there had been quite times when she seemed far away , and I was paying effort always to still see her and catch up with her. even if she always had her "nadala" though with me.
anyways, two years back, we lost contact..yeah we did. I was passing by hard times
and she was never there !
she knew I am angry and mad with her , and she never approached.
I heard she is too depressed to get in contact , although while checking on her on FB I always see laughs and travels. comments with : lets do this and that.
she was a live .I knew
she knew I was sad, depressed and in bad condition and yet she never did a step towards me.
due that first year , she visited me once, I didn't blame her much . as she was already aware of it, she didn't deny it. she came along witha common friend.and I found it is already clear enough that there is no need to blame, she admits it, and promised she will be there for me.
and then a yr and half passed with NO HEAR , like yes no Hear no call , nothing.
yet I see a lot of activities on the facebook.
Due that year and half, I called her adn asked to see her. and we did.
I blamed , I cried.I really wanted friends to be close as we used to be.
I needed them beside, I needed company ,
I talked and talked
talked alot.
she seemed convinved, and she did say all I wanted to hear then.
and later ,like we never talked,discussed,or whatsoever.
no hear no talk.
then, I knew out of Facebook that she got engaged! yes, engaged without telling me. why shall she ! we havent talked for long !
I felt bad and sad.
for those friends we grew old with . for no one left to share a laugh or tear with.
for loneliness and badness it leaves ahead.
anyways, that common friend then asked me that I should congratulate her ! and 3eib w keda!
though I was totally against it ! like I only knew out of facebook ! howcome !
anyways, the moment I was about writing on her wall on FB , I couldn't find her! so I msged that common friend who told me , she de-activated her account.
I took it as a sign , and stood still.
sometime later , she did a broadcast of her new mobile number , which I never saved.
Yesterday , I heard again from that common friend who told me, that SHE is trying to get hold to me to invite me to her wedding ! yes wedding !
and I am not picking up ! I said I don't have her number, I found out that yes that number I dont know , had tried to call me once.
anyways, I argued with that common friend, that I shouldn't go anyway,that I am mad ! I am sad ! she 'd better not call nor invite ! I am not even there in her life in last 2 yrs ! she is as well !
why she would bother to invite me " 3ashan yeb2a 3addaha el 3eib ".
although that common friend fully convinced of my reasons , and right to be sad and mad with her
she still sees I should go share her happiness with her ! and be there for her !!
Oh My ! how come ?! talkin to an angel you !! no ! I am human !!
as much as I used to miss her , I even had a dream of her night before , yet I can't stand seeing her afce now, not even believein any of her bullshit ! whatever !
if she was never there for me in my hardest times ever ! why shall i be theer for her !
if I can't be that angelic human ~ I do have the right to be only Human !!
I am sad that this is how it ended up with ! I am in a bad neeed for those who ever knew me truly and been friends with me for long !
yet I can't handle not being close not even there for 2 yrs and then you ask me to just FORGIVE ! and FORGET !
it is not forgotten nor forgiven !!
yet , I would ask you , what would you do if you were in my shoes ?
at first , I don't think I will be calling her back, I didn't have her number saved.
yet that friend will tell her that I knew, but better say I didn't have it saved.
what if she calls back ?
shall I pick up ?
what should I do ?