Wednesday, December 14, 2011


I woke up on a dream , That I couldn't quite get or clarify ! I wanted to focus on the signs sent out through it ! and I couldn't yet !
It was full of names , faces and places ! I don't identify any rightnow, but at minute of rising up , that one second when you can tell if you only can chase another second to go on that dream again ! if I only can go back to sleep !
But I couldn't go back to that dream ! nor Do I recall it right now ! only the effect of it remains !
Overwhelmed , over tensed ! crying ,fighting for the silliest reason ! looking for something I don't really know ! or I might do but I prefer to pretend that I don't !
memories are all over the place ! in my brains , in my writings ,in my phone , in my eyes, in my hands ... .it is all related in a way or another !!! still , I resent and I regret . and above all I miss.
Due all of those negative and positive feelings I am sure of few things I miss, they might sound naiive or non important for others , but for me they are quite Big and essential too. that they make me stop working,and stop living at somepoint if I don't have them ! I wana live those moments back again, I wish if I have that remote control ,of the movie Click.n I just click the rewind botton and go back change and Undo whatever I disliked, and Paused on the ones I ever loved and I might choose to live in those ones for good ! I would go back for each situation I liked and every good momery I live on.I would go back to the people I ever loved and enjoyed having them in my life and would keep them there and never let go of them. I wold too go and remove those ones who ever hurt me or caused me a bad feeling / memory that makes me feel now.
I would stay in my early 20's for a while , I always loved being there ..with the teen /growup in between spirit , travelling all year , and doing watever I liked and found doable ! I miss that alot !
I would go back and hug every and each one I now know they are here for me , I would kiss those moments I knew how hard it was for them to be so , I would kiss all the trouble away . I would have done all what it takes to keep Time as it was back then.
But As I already know, that is only in my dreams , and in my dreams I can do so :)
so I am still affected by last night dream , and that one of two nights before, when I had a glimpse of all that coming true.and woke up on the fact they are in vain.
only left for me are the memories I live on.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Love in the air...

Red Red Red , The whole world is dressed in Red .
It is Xmas time , it is a happy time .
I love the Xmas spirit , where tress are wrapped up with happy lights , Xmas plants are everywhere. People look shiny is like everthing is trasmitting LOVE.
Love me love me , say that you love me..
Hold me, Hold me....Never leave me.
Love me.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Put yourself in my shoes !

I had a friend, whom I called a close friend. we used to do stuff together, we knew each for long.
I always loved being around her, we knew how to joke , laugh and do cry together.
along the way , there had been quite times when she seemed far away , and I was paying effort always to still see her and catch up with her. even if she always had her "nadala" though with me.
anyways, two years back, we lost contact..yeah we did. I was passing by hard times
and she was never there !
she knew I am angry and mad with her , and she never approached.
I heard she is too depressed to get in contact , although while checking on her on FB I always see laughs and travels. comments with : lets do this and that.
she was a live .I knew
she knew I was sad, depressed and in bad condition and yet she never did a step towards me.
due that first year , she visited me once, I didn't blame her much . as she was already aware of it, she didn't deny it. she came along witha common friend.and I found it is already clear enough that there is no need to blame, she admits it, and promised she will be there for me.
and then a yr and half passed with NO HEAR , like yes no Hear no call , nothing.
yet I see a lot of activities on the facebook.
Due that year and half, I called her adn asked to see her. and we did.
I blamed , I cried.I really wanted friends to be close as we used to be.
I needed them beside, I needed company ,
I talked and talked
talked alot.
she seemed convinved, and she did say all I wanted to hear then.
and later ,like we never talked,discussed,or whatsoever.
no hear no talk.
then, I knew out of Facebook that she got engaged! yes, engaged without telling me. why shall she ! we havent talked for long !
I felt bad and sad.
for those friends we grew old with . for no one left to share a laugh or tear with.
for loneliness and badness it leaves ahead.
anyways, that common friend then asked me that I should congratulate her ! and 3eib w keda!
though I was totally against it ! like I only knew out of facebook ! howcome !
anyways, the moment I was about writing on her wall on FB , I couldn't find her! so I msged that common friend who told me , she de-activated her account.
I took it as a sign , and stood still.
sometime later , she did a broadcast of her new mobile number , which I never saved.
Yesterday , I heard again from that common friend who told me, that SHE is trying to get hold to me to invite me to her wedding ! yes wedding !
and I am not picking up ! I said I don't have her number, I found out that yes that number I dont know , had tried to call me once.
anyways, I argued with that common friend, that I shouldn't go anyway,that I am mad ! I am sad ! she 'd better not call nor invite ! I am not even there in her life in last 2 yrs ! she is as well !
why she would bother to invite me " 3ashan yeb2a 3addaha el 3eib ".
although that common friend fully convinced of my reasons , and right to be sad and mad with her
she still sees I should go share her happiness with her ! and be there for her !!
Oh My ! how come ?! talkin to an angel you !! no ! I am human !!
as much as I used to miss her , I even had a dream of her night before , yet I can't stand seeing her afce now, not even believein any of her bullshit ! whatever !
if she was never there for me in my hardest times ever ! why shall i be theer for her !
if I can't be that angelic human ~ I do have the right to be only Human !!
I am sad that this is how it ended up with ! I am in a bad neeed for those who ever knew me truly and been friends with me for long !
yet I can't handle not being close not even there for 2 yrs and then you ask me to just FORGIVE ! and FORGET !
it is not forgotten nor forgiven !!
yet , I would ask you , what would you do if you were in my shoes ?
at first , I don't think I will be calling her back, I didn't have her number saved.
yet that friend will tell her that I knew, but better say I didn't have it saved.
what if she calls back ?
shall I pick up ?
what should I do ?

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


تعرف إيه عن الاحتواء ؟ إيه هوة الاحتواء ؟ اشمعنى الاحتواء ؟

ليه كل واحدة بتدور في حياتها على الاحتواء ؟

له هيا دي الكلمة المظبوطة لتعريف حد يملا حياة واحدة ؟

ليه مش مجرد واحد يفهم ،واحد يقدر ، واحد يحب ، واحد يسمع ، واحد يحس ، واحد يشوف و يتعاطف و يشارك و يملا فراغ و مكان محدش تاني ممكن يملاه !!

واحد يحتوي !! في السراء والضراء ! في الزعل والفرح ! في كل حاجة !

يحتوي ؛ يعني ياخدها كدة كلها جواه و يقفل عليها تماماً ! برموش عنيه ! مش قافلة من نوع تاني ! ياخدها بافكارها بمشاعرها بهابلها بسذاجتها ، بذكائها بفطرتها ، بيطيبتها، بنرفزتها ؛ بحنيتها ؛ بقرفها ؛ و فوق كدة بحلاوتها .

كل دة يحطه في عينيه و يقفل عليه ؛ زي بظبط الام لما بتشييل الجنين جواها ؛ و تحرس عليه ؛ و لما يجي الدنيا بتشييلوه في عينيها ؛ و تخاف عليه من الهوا ! و مهما عمل فييها شايلة جوا عينيها ! ولا حبه في يوم يقل ولا ينقص ! بالعكس يزييد مع كل ثانية و كل دقيقة ؛ و يكبر هوة و يزييد ديماً حبه في قلبها .

هتقولي بس دة حاجة و دة حاجة ! حب الإبن غير حب واحدة ! و ليه لأ ! ليه مش زيو ! له محبش حد بيحبني كدة ! و أحط في عينيا و هوة يحوطني في عينيه ! له لأ !

إيه الصعوبة إذا لو اتفقنا إن احنا لبعض إن احنا نعمل كدة ! نحتوي بعض ! الكلام للست والراجل. بس أنا عارفه ! الستات هيا اللي دايما بتدورً على الاحتواء ؛ و لو وجدته خلاص كأنها ملكة العالم و ما فييه ! لكن الراجل دايماً بيدور على حاجات تانية ! هتقولي احتواء إيه و كلام فاضي إيه ! لكن للاسف الكلام الفاضي دة هوة كل حاجة بالنسبة للمرأة.

وأرجع أقول ! تعرف إيه عن الاحتواء !!!

Sunday, September 4, 2011


If you still check out this one , and you curious enough to know what is LOST .
Ask me.
I will be waiting.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Fragile Thoughts

Breakups always find away to get on to me .

I get overwhelmed ! I cry ! I get depressed even if it is someone I barely know broke up with someone I don't "never " knew !

Just the Breakup IDEA freaks me out . feel pitty for the girl /woman whoever ! and whatever !

yes, I always sympathise the woman part regardless of the reason / why did they broke up for !

I only care that two are now apart , and the woman is all devastated , even if she didn't complain about it ! even if she's doing well in hiding it ! even though !

I am all with women ! I admit.

coz all I have seen along my life proved that woman is always the victim and man has been always the muderer.for sure there had been some exceptions , but I repeat EXCEPTIONS where men were the victims , and even that I didn't totally believe !

That one I don't know , who bumped into me yesterday , and later I got to know that she broke up with hew husband-tobe , actually they were mid way there ! as they were officially married , only the wedding was left , that is what we do in Egypt and call it KATB KETAB phase .

so she not only broke up with a guy , a friend , a fiance , no a HUSBAND ! Whom she had dreams to be wedded to . to share a life with !

I bet that was HARSH Man !!

I couldn't sleep since I have known of the news ! I was sad ! and I wished I never knew . maybe she is stronger than me , and could handle it !

I pray she is ! I am sure what drives a wife to get divorced is something major that she knows for sure she can't live with ! and also , I am sure he didn't well play his role ! coz all women can be easily " yede7ek 3alaihom " can let go of the pain if you give'em comfort and make it ease on them ! we can overcome men 's mistakes , we can try to forgive and forget , we only need to see you paying for it , and playing hard to get .

So , if that woman went for divorce , and it is not a process that can be done over day and night ! it takes days and weeks and sometimes months or years ! so I am sure that , he could have done everything to make her forgive / forget whatever he did ! unless he too wanted to get rid of this marriage !

My brains nor my nerves can get a Breakup nor handle it . I used to believe in fairytales , I am the one in love with teens movies and "only you " serendipity type .

I always seek happy endings in movies , and I hate them if they come out without one !

I believe love shall survive and lon live.

I believe lovers shall always fight for their love and not easily let go .

I even can't get if two in love , why don't they get married whatever what ! they should do it !

live in a hut ! eat whatsoever ! they should get married we khalas !! against all odds!

back to katb ketab phase, that makes me wonder if getting married officially , before wedding date , is it preferable or not ? for me, myself I find the best thing to do ! However in some cases it ends up in sucha way , with a divorce = breakup . and a divorce is not easily dealt with ! especially here in our Eastern societies.

But , the right is right. and the katb ketab is the righteous thing to do , early in engagement ..that is 7alal .

what should be done should be done , and the Katb ketab what should be done.

and no matter it is difficult in its break up , it is still teh right thing to do, and if you please God , for sure God will make it reflect on you and ppl around you .

That got me drifted away , with katb Ketab issue and Breakup one.

I still feel I am filled with Fragile thoughts ! alot .

to be continued.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I did find it back :)

Me, Myself :) That's what I just got that I found it back..
I 'hv been lost for long , long that I stopped counting
and finally I found myself back :)
Couldnt tell the reason ..or you may say it is a combination of many ones .
and all reasons really counted for me , with all the signs and sighs and glimpses of eyes ;)
I am gratefull for that feeling I am holding now , I am grateful for the sun I am sitting in now.
I am grateful for everyone helped me get there .
I am willing and hoping that it lasts for long long as it was lost at least :)

I am full of vibes , positive energy and fun..That I am afraid that it could be flushed away by traffic jam ! or whatsoever !
I wish if I can reserve this eneregy .. that I never lose it again.
That i put it in a sacred place , where no one can ever reach to it ! that I use it whenever I am blue ! who is blue anyway !!
I know I might be affected and turned upside down the first step I go out from here ! but I still wish I can have it all and have it for long..
inneR calm and peace of mind..and that all revloving around You. :)
P.S: Listening to Soa'd Massi ..and guess that is one of the reasons that I feel good now :)and that brings back good memories as well..
feel young YOUNGgggggggGGG:)

Saturday, June 11, 2011

the urge to TALK

Today , I felt like I am the only one FAT left on earth . and it felt so bad and so sad.
I gained so much weight lately , even if it was predictable , yet it wasnt really excused !
I always thought I will be able to lose those extra Kilos ! i will sure manage ! I have seen all others doing it so what will stop me !
and then since the cycle started ...I never got to reach the point of loosing least how it should pace.
I have tried so many times ! that I lost counting..I have tried and tried, and the more I tried the more I failed ! I was never a failer at that ! but the fact is I am stuck at home most of the day ! not doing my activities as used to ! not even excercising is putting a hell of weight too on my shoulders !
I wanted to buy a trademill , I even went to buy it like two times, and each time I was stopped for some reason , and now it seems delayed..for some time :S
offfff, you know how it feels when you dont feel good about yourself ? This is how I feel now
I was getting used to it I admit , though I never had in mind that I will. i was always reminding myself it is a phase ! I intended not to buy new clothes at first , in order to encourage myself to lose weight and be fit in my old know what ? I got more depressed and felt awfull That I have nothing that fits ! so I am stuck in only few chemises or so !
so I baught new stuff, and the more I buy the more I get used to it ! I never felt good about it amd today I just feel awful ! everyone's either slim or fit and me just like a fat old woman !
i hate it hate hate hate hate..and resent it here , hoping that would give amotive for me to act !
yes, I will try over and over again..I shouldn't quit that easily ..presistence ..
ohhh..just wish if I wake up finding myself lost those extra kilos..
I miss the way I looked , I miss my looks badly
I miss my clothes .
and miss that shopping where I can buy whatever I like and easily fits not looking for big sizes !
oh ! bad bad bad..and I see it gettin worse.
wish me luck , be continued.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

u just earned it back!

you just earned it back and i have no clue why !
you just earned it back and i just felt like givin it back!
you just had it and i wonder when i will have mine!

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Virtual World

I am livin in my virtual world . I see people , I talk to them , I hear voices , I respond to them . I laugh and cry .. I feel happy and sad . I see faces I know , and few ones I recognize ..and a few I don't recall. I chitchat for hours , I like and hate . I get angry and pissed in so many times. and in so many times it just makes my day. My virtual world has become a real world ! with bodies moving n talking.. became so live that you can sense the heat n vibe of bodies as much as you feel irritated by others. In my virtual world there are dialogues , scenarios , happy endings and sad ones.. illustration of what if situations ! all the time.. Dreams, un finished business, un fulfilled dreams, hopes , alot that my real world can not manage! in my virtual world I see myself as I feel lost in my real one. in my virtual life I met you ! liked you and uttered my first LOVE you my virtual life goes in parallel with my real one if not advanced. As I get busy with my real life as I get drained and desperate for my virtual one . I wonder why I am so attached to it right now ! I find the answer that I have nothin left for me but there ! You too , look closely , you will find yourself drained out your virtual world ! you spend hours there , you would do anything to be left alone with your virtual comes among your first priorities to do along the day . so it is not only me livin in there. I wish if I can reflect my virtual life into my real one , I wish if I can become who I am in my virtual life.with my hopes , dreams and do's. I am sometimes sorry that I don't have a life I wish to have ! that I lost things I used to do..but in my virtual world all is there and nothing is lost. you might think I am going insane..I too see it true , what matters that I have an outlet for my brains.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Right & Wrong

Being wrong doesn't prove you're right !
and Being right doesn't prove you're wrong !
Nothing is clear ! No one is perfect !
I once thought the basics are solid , but I proved myself wrong ! nothing is solid ! it is all Fluid !!
So I was wrong Then !
Basics were untouchable , agreeable ,unbreakable and Valueable..
but Day by Day I find myself alone and no one agrees on those Values anymore !
The more I think of it the more I hate talkin about it !
I don't want to discuss it here ..those values and basics , I just want someone to agree !
is it me who is wrong ?
It is valid afterall ..
as it can't be everyone else !
yet I learned that you can be the only right in a viallge whom people is all wrong !
Am I right or wrong ?!
Right is Light , yet You can be decieved by Fake lights ! Beware then !
I am pissed That I have to explain myself everytime ! I am pissed that people just follow with nothing in brains !
I am pissed coz in so manytimes I don't really know if I am wrong or right !
You might read this and don't really get what is behind ! not that important , what counts , if you read it and can map to your life..and ask yourself if I am right ?!
I wish that day comes when right is right and wrong is wrong.. but only then , I hope I am ready for, and my good deeds are right..
Crystal Clear ..That is Right .
Finally , I pray : " اللهم ارنا الحق حقاً و ارزقنا اتباعه وارنا الباطل باطلاً وارزقنا إجتنابه "

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


mmmmmm Missed
but sometimes ,that's not blessed !

Missed ! and Pissed
and who is in interest !

Missed ! and those old friends
Missed ! those hang outs ..they were the best
Missed ! with all loud laughs.. and good memories
Missed ! with love , care and tenderness
Missed ! badly , madly the least
Missed ! fresh air of mornings with good coffee and..guess
Missed ! those late night cruises with good music on and nothing in Head
Missed ! working out , swimming , joggin..long list
Missed ! lying in the sun and having a summer tan..that was the best
Missed ! those warm hugs and sweet touches and.... Yes
Missed alot really and I amn't sure they can be said
Missed a good talk with intellectual peeople ..and missed the arguments that most
energized my brains and moved me ahead..
Missed my independence as much as I missed my dependence
Missed so many occassions and alot yet to be missed
Missed that loving feeling with nothing returned
Missed the attraction and attention and that vibe in the air
Missed that look I used to get
Missed those compliments upon my looks
Missd my social life and my influence ahead.
Missed alot .. Alot to be said

Monday, February 14, 2011

Warned ahead..Happy Valentine's Day

You received my warning before
so you should have been alert !

You know I am not the same
and we are growin' apart !

As the distance grows in miles
As the feelings fade by time !

I am not to blame nor do I whine !
you can do on The Valentine ....

Dedicated for the so Called : Valentine's