My father passed away last week.
I experienced the minute of him passing away,He was in my car infact.sitting on the rear seat.
He was laughing and talking normally , we been to the elections place, he went down and voted, and then came back.he spoke normally.and just a couple of minutes later , he was dead.
It is very hard on me, very hard that I am even writing this,
I owe him a lot. I owe him apology on my sillyness, my tough attitude, my rudeness in most of times. I always thought I have reason for that , that the GAP between us was getting big and bigger that I thought there is no hope in becoming close ever again.
I was his favorite,his special daughter, I frankly knew that, but I lived last decade believing I am not. I chose to believe I am doing good to him and that is enough, and I am not obliged to do more.
I used to argue all his talks, all his opinions, I believed we are totally different , that no need to argue.
I was foolish, I was stupid , I miss him badly.I miss you dad.I want you back.
I miss you a lot.
I miss him in everything I do and I don't.
I feel not only I lost my father, but I lost my back and support.
I knew that I always had someone to go back to, and depend on.he was my back.
I would go back to him and ask him on whatsoever, as he always had an answer for every question.and any question.
He wouldn't see me in trouble and stand still ! he was always there , especially with whatsoever related to my car, I recently had a bad situation with my car , and I recall he was calling me every each hour to comfort me and just to tell me , he is there is I need him.and when I need him, he is there ,indeed.I miss him.
I knew I always had a father that I can depend on . He taught us to do everything as well, to be fully independent, I sometimes blamed him on that , I wanted to enjoy some dependency,yet I now know I was dependent on him. sleeping over,and knowing that I don't have to care about tomorrow,coz he is there.not to worry , he is there.
no need to worry the trouble we sometimes dig ourselves in, coz he was there.
and now he is not ! and I feel like Lost!!
I sometimes imagine he will be back, as of returning of along trip , I see him around the house, I feel he is still there at most of times.around his chair , his bed..the places are still the same, we haven't moved it an inch! and it all reminds me of him.
I miss you dad. miss you like I never thought i would miss you this way.
I miss you and I cry everynight hoping and praying that you would be in a better state.
I pray each night since that day that your soul rest in peace, and that you forgive me.
I wish you come just one day , one hour , and I would make it up , I would do all the right things in the world,and undo all the wrong I have done.
I see him everyday, I see him all day long, I still picture him in my car ,when I look in the front mirror, I still see his face.hear his laugh!
I still hear his voice. I still picture him in all life situations, especially on those I used to lean back on him.
I love you dad, love you so much , I am sorry I wasn't saying it a lot. I was not saying it though I feel it deeply. I love you.
I cry a lot , I will never forget you . I will never forgive myself for not being there whenever you asked me to ! I am sorry I was always having excuses for not being there. I hate myself for being so away. I hate now all the reasons that kept me that far .
I wish if you can come back , that I tell you all this , I speak to you in my dreams, I wish you are here now with me.
I am sorry dad, but you know that I love you and I terribly miss you.
sealed with tears.